So, I've been switching my practice over to Anusara, slowly.  I began flirting with it back in 2006 and adding the alignments into my ashtanga practice, but that was too much, so I would flirt and then push it away, back and forth.

So I fell in love with Desiree Rumbaugh, a senior certified Anusara teacher, last year and the Yoga Journal conference in Estes Park Colorado.  So she came to St Louis in February and I helped with the workshop and got to know her better, then I signed up for an advanced training with her at Kripalu in July/August and came home a changed man.  I haven't practiced ashtanga since that week.  I do my own practice focusing on the alignment principles of Anusara and about 3 times a week do an Eye of the Tiger practice (very crazy) that was created by John Friend. 

Then the following weekend she was in Kansas City, so I drove over and did another weekend with her, and then upcoming was the Yoga JOurnal conference in Estes Park again, which this year had a grand gathering of Anusara people.  I couldn't afford to go, having spent too much money this year.  So my friend Brigette, who owns one of the studios I teach at, was going at the last moment and her mother was going, but then suddenly her mom couldn't go and decided to give me the conference and her flight and room as a gift!!! Talk about a blessing, so I go and get to be with the founder of Anusara and Desiree again and 800 other Anusara disciples all doing asana together in one room, doing kirtan/chanting and dancing in one room, doing a major talent show and sending all this love to each other the whole week.  It was fucking amazing and I have come home and completely been transformed. 

Transformed mentally, most of all, I feel my nervous system changing, I feel energy or shakti and John puts it running through my body like crazy, I need less sleep, I am happier, and am feeling love just flowing out of me, its crazy! 

My body is changing, I'm getting stronger internally, and externally but mostly internally.  I'm doing crazy poses which in ashtanga would have been in the 4th or 5th series and doing combinations of them that are insane, but coming to me easily.  For gods sakes I even dyed my hair blue for some reason. 

Sometimes I think I'm going crazy, sometimes I feel like the only sane person on the planet, but I know this is finally the transformation I"ve been waiting for through my yoga practice.  I'm emailing Desiree back and forth about it and she's confirming the changes she went through at the genesis of her Anusara practice.  I Love it! 

I just wanted to rant and rave about it to a captive audience, and here it is.  Off to bed now!

Namaste,  Keith

I keep trying to figure where I am today, and talking myself into a higher vibration with better feeling thoughts, usually works very well, can't figure out today what the hell is going on in my head to be able to find a better feeling thought, nothing feels better or worse for that matter.  So I took a walk in the park, gorgeous park and it made me feel better, but now at home I find myself clenching my jaw, tightening my brow, giving myself a silly headache and feeling icky again, and why?  Not sure.

I am definitely feeling better, but not as high a vibratory level as I would like, but I have to make peace with being where I am and get over it. 

Things have been so hectic lately, I need a vacation.  I'm going on a yoga holiday for 9 days at Kripalu but I think thats not going to be what I need.  Maybe Boulder,  I fucking love BOulder.  Its a great town with great people and the mountains and fresh air and Richard Freeman and his wife Mary, and some great eats and fresh air... you get the picture.  Colorado just makes me happy.  So a friend Tammy and I are talking about driving out in September for a bit, she fell in love with it too last year when we went out for the Yoga Journal conference. 

I'm contemplating taking kung fu too, I got a book from a Shaolin monk describing some of the lessons and some of it needs  a teacher, so there's a local Shaolin program that I may check out.  I just can't seem to get my focus back into my yoga practice daily like I used to and am distraught about that, so maybe this will help me get my focus back, just in general and then I can apply however needed in my life.  Thats what I'm hoping happens, but I have a fear it will drag me away from yoga, but maybe thats where I need to go right now.  I don't think so, but we'll see.  I love my yoga and it helps me so much, that I can't imagine being without it, but since I've moved into this house I can't seem to connect to it like I used to.  I can't seem to connect to myself a lot of the time, which I think it straightening itself out and then not, and then yes again and then not, back and forth, back and forth, but mostly not. 

I can't stand not feeling everything in my body/mind thats going on, and never before has anyone, thing or situation ever severed me from my strong connection to my inner being, but this one has.  I don't know what that means, I'm sure it means something, but I'm not getting what just yet.  I'm ready for what because I can't stand it.

I've manifested this amazing life with lots of people who care about me, a demand for my teaching, a nice little car with great gas mileage, a great house to live in in a great neighborhood, a little travelling (always can use more of this one!), money in the bank and in my wallet AND my bills being paid in full and so much more.  The one area I've had a near miss on seems to be romance, I just got that.  Hmmm.  I've moved in with people that I have a relationship with, in the terms of a relationship being any situation where you're involved with others lives and they with yours.  I"m not sexually attracted to either of them, but they both are to me.  They both come to some of my yoga classes and like the way I teach a class.  They both make good money and take care of themselves and each other very lovingly.  Is the physical that important?  And as I write that I decide its not the just physical with them, but what is it?  I like aspects of both of them, different things about each one, but  hmmmm.........I think I'm figuring out that I want that one perfect person, not perfect, but that one that I want to share everything with and am attracted to and want to be with all the time, but am fine when I'm not with him because I'm self-sufficient, and he is too and wants our alone time, even if its in the same house just sitting and reading in different rooms and when I find another guy attractive I can tell him and he me because we both know that no matter what we love each other and that physical attraction is just that, not that deep inner connection that we have with one another, and if that happens well we'll deal with that when it does and all will work out for the best.  He is close with his family and wants to share me with them and them with me and wants to get to know mine and loves them as much as I do, and grows as close to my niece and nephew as I am and wants them to spend the night and take them out to the science center or some shit like that, and loves to take road trips and doesn't get frustrated when I get up a bit early to do yoga before we head out again that morning making our leaving a little later than it could have been if we'd just gotten up and gone, and makes great money and doesn't care if I do or not, even though the universe is sending me my millions (very soon), and wants to snuggle on the couch sometimes and watch tv but doesn't mind when I am in the mood to sit by myself and read my book instead while he watches tv.   You get the picture?  Listen to 21 things I want in a lover by Alanis Morrissette, then you'll get where I"m coming from.  Wow, so now I know some of what my problem is.  I want to share this charmed life I'm manifesting with someone, someone special that I love and that loves me. 

Maybe I will one day.  I always figured I'd be alone, mostly because its easier.  I love being alone and don't usually feel lonely, but now I am.  In a way that I'm not used to. 

Ok, now I can hit the hay and dream about this.  Figure out some more of what I want, sifting through the contrast of what I don't want to clarify it. 

Good night, namaste.

Keith

I'm feeling very volatile today.  Not sure why completely, I have a small idea, but not going to consciously write about it here, if it pops out then it does.

Two roomies are gone for the week and I expected fireworks and lots of goings on, and there has been some, but its always delivered differently than we think it will be isn't it?  They say the law of attraction works in way we don't need to understand, we get to chose the what but not the how. 

What I have discovered for sure is this, I teach and am around people a lot, a lot of people at lot, and I"m not a people person, so when I lived by myself I had that balance of being alone after having been with a bunch of people most of the day.  Now that I am living with two people who always seek you out and ask about your day and such and basically force you to talk, I am losing that state of balance.  If I could come home and be and just be with no talking, just some peace, then I think living there wouldn't affect me so much.  And I've been pretty unhappy since I've moved in there. 

I do care a lot for them and enjoy spending time with them, but I need a different life than I've created for myself right now because they're not the type of guys to leave you alone for a few hours because that doesn't make sense to them.  And it doesnt' have to, they aren't me, and they've been a couple for 16 years so are very assimilated to one anothers idiosyncracies. 

So now I need to figure out what it is that I do want out of life so that I can begin allowing it to manifest.  Here are some things I do know I want:  I would love $7 million dollars by September so I can travel and study yoga around India and America, barring that I really need just a few thousand to pay off my two cards and buy the base system for my new little bitty 1992 Ford Festiva with only 31,000 miles on it that gets 41 miles a gallon (my other car was stolen and a friend had this for sale for $500 from his father in law, great buy!), and enough money to travel around and live a few different places, taking yoga and teaching it too (I would miss that too much). 

THats all I want right now, to travel and study.  I suppose I could just say fuck it and do it, but for some reason I can't find the balls to do it.  Hmmm, I wonder what happened to them. 

Oh well, off to some more reading.  Matthew Stover--writes like I would love to write, most call it moral ambiguity, but he looks at it as there is no right or wrong-they are all points of view and comes at it from a darker angle than most.  I love him, and I love most of all the Star Wars books he's written.  Its a non-dual view of the Force and spirituality that has changed me a lot, and made me more of who I am today.  Anyhow, off to read.

Go out and make it the best day of your life!

Namaste.

So, I just got back from NYC, my first trip ever there, and its great, everything you could ever want is within footsteps from you, but no trees, lots of exhaust fumes etc.  The park kicks ass, the most beautiful park in a city I've personally ever seen. 

I went there with the two men I've moved in with in St. Louis.  They have been a couple for 16 years when we met, and I am a sort of third in the situation with one exception--sex.  We've never had sex yet.  I sleep in the bed with them, most nights (I still maintain my own room, they have 3 stories and a basement) and have kissed, heavy petted, that kind of stuff with them.  I enjoy their company more than anyone else's right now and feel very close and intimate with them.   But, a big BUT I should say, I guess I"ve just discovered that I'm not sexually attracted to them.  I love them both and enjoy some light expression of that here and there to come out physically, but I don't want any more than that. 

I have worked for years, with yoga and philosophy and tantra and such to push the sexual urges I have to the backburner because I used to be so addicted to sexual activity as a validation of my manliness, or not manliness but self worth or something and I was tired of that controlling me so much.  So I thought it was okay when that expression did not come up with them. I was waiting for it to happen, thinking it would, making it seem okay that it hasn't yet, in 8 months, but thats a bit odd for me.  So I have a few people in my life whom I am utmostly sexually attracted to and when I'm around them I feel that charge so I know I still possess that longing, sometimes anyway.  And now I'm not trying to push those feelings back anymore, I've taken a more tantric approach to it and try to tranform that energy into other needed areas of my life, or just use it sexually, just trying to observe it and make sure its not taking me over again. 

So, what to do.  I know they know, I discussed it with one of them in NYC and said what if it never happens, and he said he'd have to figure that out, so I'm not sure.

Its been such a thing on my mind lately that I wanted to get it out and so there it is, out of my mind and on the computer for all to read. 

So I made New York basically a yoga trip, and dragged those two along with me.  I visited a master class with Dharma Mittra, who is crazy and has ways I'm completely not used to but was very interesting and I learned a lot from him.  I took 2 classes at Jivamukti, one with a lady who taught a very hard class and then during shoulderstand had us singing Sing A Song by the Carpenters and one with Uma Thurmans brother Dechen, who has a lot of information about Eastern ways that he spews out between his instructions in what to be doing in an asana, very interesting and both very different.  I took 3 classes at the Hot Nude Yoga place, since I teach the local chapter of the Nude Yoga I wanted to see how the guy who kind of started the phenomenon does it, Aaron Star, and he's a great teacher.  Very gifted, and I learned a lot about partnering and used it in my class yesterday. 

All in all the trip was amazing, great company, great food, great yoga, subways, catching up with an old friend that lives there now, theatre on 42nd St.   Very cool. 

Done for now, all who read this and all who don't, may you have the strength and energy to create such an interesting, challenging and fun life for yourselves as I have and learn from it and live it fully!  Love and peace, Keith

So, I was going through a book this morning on my weekly visit to Borders and the first thing was naming what you desire and then what do you need to do to create the lasting fulfillment of that desire.  With a complete prescription to type for no less than 15 minutes, here it goes...

So, what I desire-hmmm, I want more money.  Of course, what American doesn't think they don't have enough money.  I often fight with the fact that I maybe want more money because I was raised with almost none in a society that is taught to crave it and always want more, more money, more things, more work, more, more, more... But I don't think so.  I hope not anyway.
I believe I want more money because if I can get my attention away from having to worry about how my very minimal rent will get paid, then I will be free to use my energies for other things, such as focusing on teaching more, and not just teaching yoga, but helping people find their own path and what works for them rather than following someone elses.  Helping them use the asana that I teach to open up their bodies so that they can open up their minds and tap into that all-one consciousness and create bigger and better things for themselves and therefore more things for others, then we'll create a society based around helping one another, rather than focusing on just yourself and opening up our hearts to each other and so on and so forth.  You get the idea.  So if I'm not struggling to get the rent paid and my car insurance and my phone bill (which is really all I have to come up with monthly), then I will be free to help others.  Lofty goal?  Maybe so, but I think thats where my heart lies.

Ok, so lasting fulfillment.  What would help me find that?  I think one thing is a relationship.  I know that sounds selfish but I learn from experience.  If I can learn how to open my heart more fully to one or more people (yes I am open to polyamory) and be okay within that and the give and take and exchange of love and shared realities, maybe then I can open up to sharing that with the whole world.  Or just anyone I come in contact with.  Maybe I'm doing it to some degree now, but I am always a work in progress and want to expand on that.  I know people who transfer shakti to whole rooms of people and are never diminished physically or mentally from the exchange, but I want to be one of those people.  Again, that may sound selfish but I'm wanting to do it so people can feel the feeling of receiving that energy and what they will do with it.  Also, if that shakti comes coursing through me and I share it with others then I will be able to manifest those things in life that I want or need that will further this help I am giving to humanity.  So maybe I can take these learning trips with ease, financially, and get something from them and bring them back to my current students here in the midwest. 

I hope and pray I do all that I do for the noble reasons I have convinced myself that I want to do them but there is always that doubt.  Maybe that doubt is normal for us humans, but I want to overcome that doubt and surpass it and be fully in the know about my abilities and in full confidence of them as well.  I am almost there, working, working, working... always working, towards that goal.

Namaste, amen to all.  Love you, and good luck with your path!

Keith

I haven't been on this site at all let alone blog anything anywhere lately, I'm not sure why, getting caught up in the maya of existence I guess.  I'm tired of that so I'm making the effort to get back into a better space.  I've felt amazing and I"ve felt awful, so its time to make the effort to feel more amazing more of the time I think. 

Lets see, I went to Boulder and Estes Park, Colorado in September mostly for the Yoga Journal conference ashtanga intensive and I also did a day intensive with the Anusara teacher Desiree Rumbaugh, who is just fucking amazing man.  She is the shit.  She is also coming to St. Louis in February so I get to experience her again.  What and inspiring woman she is, and down to earth and nice but also bigger than life and more than any words I can describe.  I had a wonderful week in the mountains doing yoga all day long for four days and getting outside my head and when I came down from that experience, about mid-November (yes it put me on a high for over a month) I crashed like nobody's business and haven't come up for air, until this morning I think. 

Sometimes I guess the dark side just gets a hold of us and we may not even know it.  Yes I am a Star Wars dork and in the newest series of books Jacen Solo, Han and Leia's oldest son is becoming a Sith lord, much like his grandfather, although more rotten and evil and doing so with less honorable reasons than Anakin did.  Anyhow, thats what I felt like happened to me.  Just a bit of dark one day was tolerated and it grew to be completely overcast and then thunder and lightning, tornadoes, everything.  I realized it one day when I took it out on a person who is, or rather was, a friend and student of mine.  It burned me up one day and she got it, and then the next day it came out some more and that night I went out, got drunk with some strippers and partied like crazy.  The next morning waking up realizing what had happened came as a big bonk on the head. I had quit partying and going out all night, or rather had evolved away from that lifestyle, and here I was doing it again.  And the anger I unleashed on her, why, where had it come from? Not sure at all. 

How does someone have so much anger, when they have a wonderful life.  I never had a bad childhood or a bad adulthood for that matter.  I have an almost charmed life, as I named in the recent change to my account title.  I don't work very much, teaching only 7 classes a week, and only 6 now in the winter since one is outdoors, I have great friends, the bills always get paid. I've even recently started teaching the local chapter of an all male nude yoga class, which has brought more blessing than I can name.  The guys all love it, most are even new to yoga, but it has given us a space to come together with other gay men and just have communion of sorts and enjoy time together. 

I don't know, so I'm back to a place where I feel more balanced, after an odly dark time for myself, and now I think I'm ready to serve.  Wayne Dyer always writes about in each situation in life he asks, "how can I serve best here?".  And I want to do the same. I have to grab the good and create an amazing life for myself and for all the others around me.

Live and love and share the light!

One other thing I also hate is this new page that is wider than my screen so I have to scroll over.  Irritating, irritating.  I think I'm just majorly irritated today anyway.  I'm being rolfed  and after last week, the fifth session, I was an emotional wreck and still am.  The guy I was seeing broke up with me this morning by text message too, so that added fuel to the fire.  All in all I feel great, other than a slight headache from my sixth rolfing session today.   The best thing is that the sixth session seems to have calmed my nervous system down that was just firing bullets this morning and has relaxed my mood too, which has been a mess and a half for the past week. 

I always, even from a very young age, knew I would be single in this life and had battled with making peace with for many, many years, but finally did.  So then I met someone who finally was quite interesting, sexually attractive, older (which is a biggie, I always do younger), stable and interested in growth.  So I decided to let that person in, probably too quickly, and now its over.   Which will be fine, but right now I'm just a bit burnt feeling.  Oh shit, students arriving very early for class, so I guess I'll go for now.  More later.

I was reading a passage from the Bhagavad Ghita and Krishna is telling Arjuna how attachment leads to desire and desire leads to anger . . . etc, hmmm, sounds like Yoda, ... leads to hate, hate leads to pain, pain leads to ...suffering . . .  Interesting.

Just raining here today and nothing much more going on.  Still a full moon so no practice this morning, but I still do my sitting and pranayama on these days and it was awesome this morning. 

Woke up at midnight vomiting and shitting last night, just awful.  Must have been the bean enchiladas and fried mushrooms I had for dinner after class.   I guess I just can't eat that stuff anymore.  I imagine once your body gets cleaned out or somewhat cleaned out with the yoga and the regular good eating habits the occasional crappy food doesn't sit well. Sounds good to me anyway so I'm sticking with it.

I'm missing Victor today, especially much for some reason.  So far on the weekends we're together but during the week he works all day and I teach in the evenings so there's no point in me staying at his house  since we'll be missing each other all the time.  And normally I'm very detached from the physical aspect of missing him, but today I'm not.  I want him near.  Maybe its the moon and its effects on me.  Who knows.  Strange to be falling in love again anyway.  I hadn't banked on it at all.  I had made my peace with being alone and decided to stick to my disciplined life and being happy and then I told the universe if it felt the need that I was ready for another go at a relationship, just thinking about it one day and boom, I said it and I got it.  Its so nice to be with someone where we actually talk to each other while the things are still small way before they've become big issues and cause rifts in the relationship.  Sometimes I have to drag it out, cause he doesn't know how to say things so they won't hurt me, but at least he comes out with it eventually.  I'm not much of one for mincing words anyway so it doesn't bother me to have them blurted out tactlessly.  I do the same sometimes and need the leeway from it, so I want him to do the same.  We seem to balance each other out well.  Where his shortcomings in the understandings of the deeper ideas of life are, mine are strong and where mine lack, his are strong, so its a good yin/yang sort of balance. 

I've been finding writing more therapeutic lately so I've been doing it more, in my journal or on here.  Probably not here as much as my journal, but when I find myself caught up in thoughts it seems to get them out and turn them loose from my mind anyway.

Oh well,  enough for right now.  Off to see the wizard.

Not really anything particular in mind to write about, just know I need to get some crap out of my head and this is best avenue.  Writing in a journal makes my fingers and wrist hurt so I really don't enjoy doing that.

I applied for a job in Goa, India a few weeks back and probably won't get it as there are many more qualified people who've applied I'm sure, but I want it so bad.  I know, if you watch the Secret you have to hold the vision of it in your head and per The Science of Getting Rich you have to perform every action during the day you can to act as if you've already got the thing, so I'm working on that.  I think I need the change of pace and change of scenery.  I grow very weary of just making it each month with the finances, and yes I keep holding the vision of my wealth but so far there must be doubts in there somewhere because it still eludes me.  I feel the impending abundance just around the corner but still I grow weary of waiting for it. So I go on holding it in my mind and hoping for it.  My biggest problem is finding the gratitude I should have, maybe therein lies the problem in not attaining it.  Hmmm, probably that's it. 

I keep slowly getting more and more students though and feel better and better about my teaching so I know I am doing something right.  And I keep the teaching as close to the original Mysore style teachings as I can.  I just keep longing to be in India, mostly for the culture shock, and to just be studying everyday with ashtanga's progenitors.  I think I vision myself more there than anywhere.  Also back on Maui studying with Nancy again.  I love here and am anxious to be there, so if I get the afformentioned job when its over in November maybe I'll stop by Maui on the way home.   Not a bad idea. 

Here' the crux of it all.  I am now seeing someone that I am deeply falling in love with and in the leaving that will be tested very much.  Not that I won't leave, but that I will have to find the strength and peace with going even though I will be leaving him here.  I'm sure he would come visit for a vacation though so that shouldn't be such a big deal.  I will miss him but what an opportunity it will be to get there.  Also in being there I may be able to study with Rolf and Marci Naujokat who will be teaching there again starting in October.  That would be awesome.  I hold them in high esteem as well. 

Its getting warm here again and my practice is doing better.  Always better in the spring and summer than the winter here, although this winter it faired pretty well.  Maybe finally after 7 years I'm getting some residual benefits .

One thing I keep seeing in my minds eye is my own studio.  Not a big place, but an amazing place that is comfortable with a wood floor and some great statues.  Maybe I would live above the place and have it open here in St. Louis just in the spring and summer and then travel to the warmer climates to study or teach during our winters.  I am really tired of winters.  They have been better here the past ten years or so but I still despise them.

I really do have much to be grateful for so why on earth can't I find the gratitude inside to feel and use as a tool to bring about these other amazing things that I long to have happen in my life?  Silly me.  Gratitude and action are the key to bringing these things about.  I understood that as a truth as soon as I read it and realized thats why I haven't manifested them yet, because I can't find the gratitude nor can I keep acting all day long as if I already have them.  Really silly me.  But oh well, I will one day. 

Okay, thats enough for now.  I had no clue this would be all about yoga.  I was thinking more about my financial situation and how to remedy it, but yoga stuff kept coming out.  Hmm, maybe thats saying something to me in and of itself.  Maybe keeping with the program I'm following is the key.  Teaching more classes too maybe, getting the yoga out there and getting the attention from that.   So there, possibly I've answered my own questions.  Lets see over the next few weeks or months how things go.

Namaste!

Its rainy and cold here (Illinois, right outside St. Louis, MO).  I wake up and can't even make myself begin my asana practice, so I do some pranayama and meditate and call it done.  I didn't have the energy to fight with myself about it.  I came home yesterday after teaching in St. Louis and having a great dinner with two of my students and fell asleep until almost 8pm and then went to bed at 10:30 and slept again until almost 8am.  I know the switchover to autumn is trying but what the hell?
I love my asana practice, daunting though it may be, but it helps me get through and today, trust me, more than most days I need the help.  But alas, too late to worry about that now.  I had an amazing meditation so what happened?  Don't know but does it matter right now? To this moment, worrying about this morning, is it going to change anything?  No, probably not.  I know this and yet here I sit type-whining about it. 
Maybe I've a lot on my mind, there are many things going on in my life right now.  Changes, good changes?  does that matter, change is change.  Things will be different in an ongoing cycle so why contemplate change right now, right?  And yet here I sit doing it anyway.  I'm not sure where I'm going, but does that matter?  Probably not.  Am I happy?  Most of the time I am very content and I don't know if it matters if I'm happy or not.  I love most everything about my life and appreciate most all of it, so why do I feel so melancholy today?  Just the weather, I think not.  What then.
I thought a few weeks back I might be lonely, and I went on a date, if you can call it that last week, no I'm not really lonely.  I am content with my own company and I have the company of some great friends when I want it.  Do I want a romantic partner?  I don't think so, I'm usually very content not worrying about that.  Do I just want a sexual partner maybe?  I don't think that is so either.  I can very often have sex whenever I want or need it, with fairly attractive and very interesting people, so no that can't be it. 
Maybe I feel disconnected.  I don't think I do, I've had some great insights today, and some great conversations with friends.  Usually when I'm actually disconnected those things are impossible for me to achieve.  Who knows?  Maybe I just need to whine about something today.  I haven't been whining, or even felt the need for a good whine lately.  So maybe its innate in me. I whined my way through my early life, maybe I've dug so deep lately in my meditations and connections to breath and bandhas that I've finally unsurfaced childhood issues and am beginning to deal with them.  Sounds plausible to me, maybe not to some, but it does to me.  I have been very deep  recently, deeper than ever before for me.  Maybe not as deep as some but deep for me.  Even to the point that I've been getting a few zits and blackheads again, as I did up until my late twenties.  Hmmm.  Maybe onto something here.  Maybe I actually am getting ready to finally deal with some really old crap or maybe I'm dealing with some of the same crap now but I need to remember how I dealt with it back then or didn't deal with it back then.  Hmmm, not sure.  Much to think about there is.  Meditate on this, I will.